Let's get 'physics'-al:
It's the new Girls Aloud album!
In 2003, we told you all about Girls Aloud's first album. We concluded that it was really quite alright.
In 2004, we told you all about GIrls Aloud's second album. We concluded that it was really quite alright in a far more real way than the first album, which is to say that we thought it was quite brilliant.
In 2006, we will tell you all about Girls Aloud's greatest hits album, and we will shed a tear or two.
But for the time being it is 2005 and we are about to guide you through the 'ins and outs' of Girls Aloud's third album which, as you can see from the picture and the fact that we told you about it a few weeks ago, is called 'Chemistry'.
Note please that in the so-called 'reviews' that follow, the marks out of ten are represented by a picture of *Duck* all, *Duck* all being the amount of use a science qualification is in real life for anything except a career in science. ARE YOU LISTENING, 'THE EDUCATION SYSTEM'?!?!1. Intro
Best line: It's all about the bassline, it's all about the blues
Second best line: Don't ask me to share my fame
FYI: This lasts for 42 seconds and in that short time manages to be better than Bob Dylan's entire career.2. Models
Best line: You get your kicks like flies to sh!t, buzzin' round the model zoo
Second best line: Girls, girls, girls, girls, girls, girls, girls, girls
Third best line: Darling we're in fashion don't you know
FYI: This is a song about models and the men who try to put their willies into them. To picture in your mind's ear how this sounds, imagine everything released this year by New Wave Of Utter Tedium artists like James Blunt, Daniel Powter and Stephen Fretwell, then imagine the complete opposite. That is exactly what 'Models' is!3. Biology
Best line: "Whooh-ooooooh" (ie the bit in the chorus you don't realise is there for the first 280 listens)
Second best line: "If we party any more we'll start a fire of pure desire"
FYI: This is the best pop single released anywhere in the world in the last twelve months. It is better than 'Hung Up' and 'Push The Button' and literally everything else. It is pop music made for people who obsess about and love pop music, it is pop music which makes people who don't like pop music think that they like pop music, it is pop music which redefines the supposed boundaries of pop music and it has a video with some nice butterflies in it.4. Wild Horses
Best line: Get out of town and take your lazy dog with you
Second best line: Wild horses couldn't take me back to you
FYI: This one kicks off sounding like Girls Aloud have gone carol singing (nb: We went carol singing with Girls Aloud last Christmas so we know what this sounds like) then caves in to a massive Xenomaniesque stormer in which the girls make - get ready to read about a masterstroke - TRAIN NOISES! Surely pop music doesn't get any better than this. (Note: Pop music does get better than this, in just four songs' time.)5. See The Day
Best line: Let's start to heal the part that's been torn
Second best line: Heartache leads astray
FYI: Christmas blah cover blah DC Lee blah did Paul Weller write this nobody seems sure blah at least it's about a million times better than The Pretenders etc etc etc.6. Watch Me Go
Best line: I was dressed in red, tied up to your bed, begged you on my knees
Second best line: Got the keys, got the gasoline, pour it on I'm ready to blow
Third best line: At quarter past four you were back again, said your name was Ben, then we went for more
FYI: There are two a-m-a-z-i-n-g Betty Boo-style raps at the end. 7. Waiting
Best line: If every guy's a dog then baby throw me to the wolves
Second best line: Been looking at your hard-earned six pack... All right, I'll take you back
Third best line: You're like a peach on ice
FYI: If Kate Bush's comeback single had sounded like this, she'd be outselling Westlife in the albums chart.8. Whole Lotta History
Best line: I'm dammed if I do and I'm dammed if I don't
Second best line: Is she really that beautiful?
FYI: This does the same sort of things as 'Never Ever' but sounds nothing othing like it, is better than 'See The Day' and should really have been the band's Christmas single. As it is, it's so good that it will probably have to be a single at some point in the future meaning that there will have been two ballads off this album, in turn meaning that a 'stormer' which could otherwise have been a single will not be a single at all. It is a bit like being in Sainsbury's and putting a big and interesting vegetable - like an enormous carrot, for example - in your shopping basket, and not having room for a box of six luxury mince pies. Nobody is going to question the validity of the carrot but when it comes to putting together a list of your greatest shopping purchases of all time (perhaps next Christmas) you'll look back sadly at the lack of mince pies. Yes it is just like that. 9. Long Hot Summer
Let's not go into this one again, seeing as everyone seems to have decided it's 'sh!t'.10. Swinging London Town
Best line: D'you know the me that wakes in places, faces I've never seen? The mother of all hangovers to remind me where I've been
Second best line: If I stop, I'm sickened, it really gets me down, so I step back into the city lights, the queen of London town
Third best line: With these joke-fuelled egos
FYI: Note please that the third-best line is definitely JOKE-fuelled and we are certain it is not meant to imply anything else in that general 'area' of the English language.11. It's Magic
Best line: Let your body receive what I can give
Second best line: I could call you crying four in the morning and you'd make it better
FYI: The best line (above) is clearly about a strap-on, in the sense that it's also about nothing of the short. You'll like it - quite a lot.12. No Regrets
Best line: So sure the cocktail hour would last for all eternity
Second best line: No regrets, I'm glad it's through
FYI: What is best about this song is that it's all about no regrets (hence the name 'etc') about a relationship being over but really it's just going "OH *Ducking* HELL I REGRET THE RELATIONSHIP BEING OVER SO MUCH OH MY GOD HOW WILL I CONTINUE WITH MY PATHETIC AND WASTED EXISTENCE". Hurrah! A lovely Spicy-sounding ballad to end the album. Except - EXCEPT! - it's not the end of the album at all! This is like listening to a complete pop revolution happening right in front of your, er, ears!13. Racy Lacey
Best line: She's made seduction a work of art, a PhD with her legs apart
Second best line: She's got undulating, grundgulating grinding hips
Third best line: She's not too bright but she's educated in bed alright
FYI: This is obviously about Louis Walsh. We are joking, of course. The most important thing about this song is that it features the word 'grundulating'. Call the Oxford English Dictionary! Actually we might do that next week. IN CONCLUSION'
We suppose this album 'will do'.
And if you think this sounds promising, wait until you hear the bonus disc of Christmas songs...